Duty Call

There is nothing like the excitement of a long distance relationship. You are excited to see each other, talk on the phone, aroused everyday just checking your email, squishing love out of every pore of your body.

Once you see each other! Yowza! Sex sex sex pent up love is finally released! Then you have to leave, sad sniffles, plans for the next time. Satisfied sighs. Hot phone calls, lovely emails. The cycle continues.

One of the main things the long distance relationship does not have is "grin-and-bear-it" sex.

We all like to pretend that we would never compromise ourselves, and I really don't know if this is strictly a female phenomena, but there are those times that your man wants it, and you know, eh, you, not so much.

But with some cajoling, whining, prodding, you say "what the hey" and get down to what will probably not be the best sex of your life. It's a sacrifice? um, no. Responsibility? huh? DUTY, yes, there we go.

Remember the "wifely duty"? Well, much to the radical feminists chagrin, it still exists in modern sexual times.

If you're lucky after the initial bullshitty self-compromising feeling has worn off or been replaced by arousal due to a well trained lover's touch, you can actually really enjoy it and later think, "yeah, that WAS a good idea. I can read that book, finish that painting, watch that movie, clean that house, dye my hair (insert the very important thing you were doing prior to the entreaties of your lover to get physical) another time."

The worst time to pull this "begging for it" move is when SLEEP has been at a minimum, or during the middle of the night. Don't wake me up for duty. I am not on duty when dreaming, I'm dreaming, dammit! Sleeping is just as sacred as sex and perhaps equal (what?! did I just say that) when it comes to health and well being. I mean, you can always sleep afterwards, but still, a cranky lady is less duty-bound than one who experiences all levels of proper, deep, uninterrupted sleep.

I have always felt that you only get so much bouncing on the bone in this life and I should take advantage of that wood if it's right there in front of me. It's a natural resource and shouldn't be wasted. But remember guys, it's a renewable resource, so please don't act like every hard on is a snowflake, a hard cock going-out-of-business sale and if we don't take advantage we'll regret it forever.

The equality issue, or let's just call it what it is, payback, is not very equal. It's not like your man is going to complain if you raise your skirt and ask for some after he comes home exhausted from a hard days work, he's going to be ready and willing (usually). I've never met a man who refused the midnight shake 'em, wake 'em, and take 'em. Yes, women are guilty of this intrusion, too.

So, what and where's the return for being so giving of time and body if gender's sex drives and behavior aren't equal? Just the big three- peace, love, and understanding.

Fucking Like a Porn Star

Is it because most men learn about sex through watching porn that they fuck the way they do? Porn is great for arousal, and sometimes can be educational -look how much lube they use BEFore they shove that dildo in the asshole...hmmm...something to remember-but it is not a playbook for lovemaking. 

Yes, I specifically used that goofy word, lovemaking, because you need a little bit of something, something more than robotic physical responses, for an all-time-blue ribbon-five star session of fucking. Animal lust, yes! And maybe a little compassion for the human you are with, or empathy, it doesn't have to be love, but respect for them as a person who is being generous with their body and letting you share in the ultimate physical act of human pleasure.

Most of the time, porn guys don't really act like they have much compassion or empathy for the ladies they are fucking. Especially in the "Real College Girls" series put out by Penthouse. Jeez, these girls withstand a lot of shit for whatever dough they are making. Ugly guys! Ugly guys talking dirty and saying, what I would consider, mean things to their "college whores".  It's kind of a turn off for me. I usually start hating the guys and wondering why the girl(s) is still doing it with them, then I remember that she signed a contract.

I once had a guy tap, slap, whap, I really don't know the term, but he tapped his dick -twice- on my pussy after he came. Like, tapping the ash off a cigarette, sorry, cigar? Like a "thank you" slap on the vulva? I have seen this in porn and usually the girl is like "oooh ! ha ha, yeeah". I was like, "youch, my orgasm sensitive clit does not need to be slapped with your still-hard-but-becoming-flaccid- enough-to-be-a-whip cock.  His reply to my non-verbal reaction? "Oh, that's no good, huh? ok." Which makes me wonder, what impulse was that? Where did he get the idea that a nice post-coital dick whap makes a girl's day? 

And then, there is the ass slapping. I am not against a rowdy round of bounce-off-the-walls fucking. I am pro-rowdy rounds, let me tell you. I love to experience all sorts of athletically challenging positions and am not against a little physicality. But there is a time and place for ass slapping, and a delivery method that is believable and tolerable. 

Don't slap me like I'm a horse that you are encouraging to run away because a posse is chasing you. That will just piss me off, because it will hurt, and hurt -to me- is anti-pleasure. For some women, hurt is pleasurable, they like to be hurt. Discuss this during a pre-sexual contact conversation so you know the limits. Also, when you slap ass, don't say "slap that ass!" It sounds like porn dialogue. It snaps me out of the fun moment of fucking to think, "jeez, what does this guy think, he's the star of his own show? Does he even remember that I'm here, or am I just another piece of ass?"

I may be just another piece of ass, and that's fine, when it's mutual and understood.  But, if you ever want access again, please remember and refer to the illusion you painted to get me in the sack. It should be maintained to a degree that allows both participants to fully enjoy the sexual experience. If I jumped in bed with you because you said you fucked like a porn star, then okay, I deserve whatever porno tricks you can muster, but if I am screwing you because we had a good conversation and fantastic chemistry, then let's have at it, and try our best to have the most fun possible.  

You can even slap my ass-if you grab that cheek with your open palm upon impact, massage the freshly slapped area like you give a shit, yelling  "goddamn you have an unbelievable ASS!".

See, how easy it is to be compassionate?

Until Death or until us Particles Part

In a recent article in the New York Times, John Tierney writes about the findings of Dr. Young who studies the power of ocytocin and vassopressin, two hormones that are said to increase feelings of trust and bonding in female and male prairie vole's. Those with low levels of these hormones, or blocked capacity, are less likely to bond with mates.

There are numerous studies about the biophysical neurological peptides and hormones that guide and sustain the feelings of love. But what triggers the release of this cocktail of hormones? The body's reaction to another person, right? Well, what is reacting?

I think it is all about particle physics and our "particular - physical" make up. Our bodies produce by-products, like hormones, of our energy which may sustain love. I have read a lot about particle physics over the past few years and I think that the force that drives our bodies is the same energy that drives the rest of the universe; atomic energy, quarks, anti-quarks, mesons and neutrons.

At first I thought that love was an element, or a particle itself, like an atom or quark, but now I believe it is the unknowable energy that holds, binds, and releases particles.

People are alive because of their energy, their life force, and when these particles of energy are attracted to one another, you feel drawn to a person, you want to be near them, you interchange and exchange your energy, you are dynamically changed in the process just like any chemical reaction. "Our chemistry was fantastic" you will hear these recent lovebirds exclaim. "I couldn't stay away".

Just like any chemical reaction, the original matter is forever altered in the exchange of these particles of energy, the wood is still wood, but it has been burnt by the fire and it is carbonized. The water is still water, but because it had become steam, its distilled properties are ever slightly different than how it was before it boiled. You may be a better person, or far worse depending on what kind of particles (person) that love had bound you. You have been exposed and therefore altered.

Physics experts say that particles engage and disengage without rhyme or reason, it is an unpredictable cycle that can be hypothesized about but never locked down. It is the same with love. (and life and death, but not taxes) People become attracted, bump into each other, furiously their particles interchange and move, then release and fly off to form other interactions.

These exchanges could last years, hours or lifetimes. These exchanges also create other particle "bundles of joy"- children are a combined product of these biophysical and energetic reactions and exchanges. (the life part). And when your body is done, your energy dissipates, but is never destroyed. (the death-and everlasting life? re-incarnation? the karmic wheel?- part).

How does love know which energy to bind, it does this randomly? Perhaps. Purposefully? Perhaps. Who actually knows why or when love comes and why or when it leaves? This is the mystery and heartache and blessing of love. Those that are lucky enough to have it should not abuse it, those that want it desperately probably repel others energy, those who are contented, and not looking, experience love unexpectedly.

My friend Marty says "The best way to get over somebody is to get under somebody else" and he is probably right. Start a new exchange of particles and you will continue the reaction that your energy has grown accustomed to receiving. Your energy will feel less alone.

Assplay in the New Millenium

Can you believe it? There are still people out there -those that didn't read or comprehend the "fingerblasting" post on this smutty blog- that don't realize that you can give a girl a mighty vaginal infection if you fingerblast her vagina after you were playing with her beautiful asshole. The bacteria from the ass does not belong in the vag and can create a "mixed bacterial vaginosis" infection. Actually, so can stress and a bad diet, but it can most often be linked to "mixing" the holes.

One way to avoid this problem is for the guy to REMEMBER which hand he is using in each hole. Perhaps the dominant hand for the vag -subtlety and control is better appreciated in this anatomical cavern- and the clumsier hand for the ass, which while very sensitive, will not suffer from an arousal killing clumsy performance. To me, it seems to take less finesse to finger an ass. Especially from a female perspective, this is just icing on the cake for me, not the be all and end all, so a shoddy performance from the lesser skilled finger is still welcome. Just don't even think about rubbing the vulva with that hand.

Also, the best time to approach this area so your man or woman will not squirm away from it -or you- is when a person is already VERY aroused and almost climaxing. Remember, you don't have to shove it in up to your wrist to get a great reaction, just moving a well licked finger on the outside of the asshole is enough of a start. Take it slow and easy in the beginning, you have to build up to the 9 inch strap on!!! Perhaps a conversation about this to feel the other person out or prepare them a little for what might happen is a good idea, too, so when deep into a physical act, they are not startled by something that could shock them out of your bed.

I have also discovered that some men think that a finger in their ass is "gay" behavior. Hey, getting a pleasurable feeling from the human body is not homosexual, especially if it is a girls finger in your ass. A cock in your ass ....well, you might be gay, but limiting the pleasure you can reap from your physical body is churlish and puritanical, and simply wastes an opportunity to experience something that you may like.

Didn't you ever eat something that you didn't want to because of a preconceived notion (slimy sushi, snails in the shell) that it would be bad, only to discover that you actually liked it? Also, I tend to think that guys stick things in their asses all the time when masturbating, but just don't want their girlfriends or wives to know about it. Thus, they do know the pleasure of the ass but cannot cop to why they have that knowledge.


So, instead of Happy New Year, or Merry Christmas, or Kwaazy Kwaanzaa or Happy Hanukkah, my seasonal greeting is going to be "Try it, you'll like it."

7 Habits of Highly Orgasmic Women

I will admit, these are not really habits, more like practices or qualities, perhaps they are virtues of orgasmic women. For the ladies, ask yourself, "Do I personify these qualities and what can I do to put into practice these virtues and ideas?" and men (or lesbians) may ask themselves "Does my girlfriend show in how she thinks and acts to be a highly orgasmic woman? How can I send her this message and get her to admit she may need to pay attention to this part of her life instead of putting all the pressure of her sexual satisfaction on me?"

1) No Shame

A highly orgasmic woman loves her body. She considers applying lotion to her dry winter skin as a moment for self massage that...may lead to more, if she plays her cards right. She loves her body and minimizes it's flaws in her own psyche. That's not a beer belly, thats a pillow for a lover. Her tits don't sag, they lovingly rest against said pillow....because who wouldn't want to slide up against her. Plus, when pumped up in a beautiful bra, those ladies deliver cleavage that stops traffic!

2) Know Your Body

A highly orgasmic woman knows her body. She knows the relative depth of her vagina. She knows what angles work for her and which parts like the most internal rubbing. She is aware of and accepts the orgasmic amplifcation ability of the anus. She knows what she likes, and how to get it.

3) Practice Sex Whenever

A highly orgasmic woman has the emotional flexibility to change her mood in order to get over a trivial matter and get it on. She serves shit up cold after she gets off and her man is more willing to see her side of the story. She understands the power of pacification and also doesn't deny her own pleasure to prove a point. Plus, she digs sex and makes it a priority.

4) Sexual Attitude

A highly orgasmic woman is in touch with her sexual attitude and has a personal, emotional, logical, and rational opinion and position on sexual matters affecting her and the world. She thinks about these issues and on a daily or weekly or periodic basis comes to startling and unique revelations about sex and the world because it is on her mind.

5) Imagination and Fantasy

A highly orgasmic woman has the ability to imagine and develop fantasies about sex. She knows this helps arouse her and that telling these fantastic stories to her mate may arouse them also. A highly orgasmic woman has a current "go to" fantasy for her masturbation sessions and one she can whip out for her partner that involves them and perhaps a friend of his/her choosing.

6) Unguarded and Open

A highly orgasmic woman has few filters. She speaks her mind. She gives instructions in the sack. She suggests positions. She adjusts her level of filthy discussion to the proper audience, but she unleashes when it is appropriate. (or inappropriate, she doesn't care, sometimes).

7) Discipline

A highly orgasmic woman has the self discipline to practice every day. Masturbation is practice for a highly orgasmic woman so that her partner can experience the full ability of her body, and get off to the highest level themselves. Just because you have arm muscles doesn't mean you can lift a 100 pound barbell and hold it over you head the first time you try. You need to practice by lifting a little more weight everyday. So, your vagina cannot be expected to do what any other muscle group cannot do. Practice your Kegel exercises and masturbate in anticipation of the next time you have sex with another person and you will be amazed at the results.

Remember, the sexier you feel, the more sex you will want from yourself. The more you do it with yourself, the more comfortable you will be doing it with someone else. The more comfortable you are doing it with someone else, the more you will enjoy sex. The more you enjoy sex, the more you are apt to do it. The more you do it, the better you feel, so have some sex after every meal! And, you never know, if everybody is getting laid, perhaps it can lead to world peace!

Noisy, Screaming, Grunting Sex

Have you ever heard these unwelcome words? "Shhhh. You have to be quiet, we can't wake up my..." room mate, parents, the kids, the guests, the neighbors....whomever will be disturbed by the humping noises emanating from the two-headed beast.

I have always found that -although in the beginning it seems hot- my orgasm is thwarted by stifling my vocalizations during screwing. I'm not necessarily a "screamer" although I have been brought to the brink, but I am a noise maker. I grunt, squeal, breathe heavy, pant, moan, weep, talk, hold my breath, give directions, propose positions, cry out to god, jesus, joseph and mary- the whole holy family gets invited to join in on the good times and get to hear my thanks!

I have had to put a sock in it, literally. Bury my head in the pillows, clamp my mouth on a shoulder (but that leads to embarrassing fart like noises when I start to breath heavily). I'll even groan appreciatively with a dick in my mouth, so while that lowers the volume, it's no solution.

Why is it, I wonder, that noise or words have such an effect on the outcome of the sexual experience? A friend told me she unexpectedly orgasmed during sex when her lover first expressed his devotion. The "I love you" phrase whispered in her ear during sex was what did it for her.

A foreign accent can also make me immediately wet and swollen. The tone of a husky voice, a hushed whisper. They are all such turn ons! I once had a boyfriend who would say my name over and over again during sex, then later in the day or night when he would mention my name, on the phone, to a friend when introducing me, even asking what I wanted to order at a restaurant, I would get so hot because it would bring me back to that moment.

I think any kind of inhibition -including a mute button- limits the bodies ability to orgasm. If you are ashamed of part of your body, or hyper conscious of a perceived fault, or trying to be quiet, it can prevent that wonderful moment.


Martin Portner wrote in an article for Scientific American in their May 2008 issue:

...when a woman reached orgasm, something unexpected happened: much of her brain went silent. Some of the most muted neurons sat in the left lateral orbitofrontal cortex, which may govern self-control over basic desires such as sex. Decreased activity there, the researchers suggest, might correspond to a release of tension and inhibition. The scientists also saw a dip in excitation in the dorsomedial prefrontal cortex, which has an apparent role in moral reasoning and social judgment—a change that may be tied to a suspension of judgment and reflection.


Brain activity fell in the amygdala, too, suggesting a depression of vigilance similar to that seen in men, who generally showed far less deactivation in their brain during orgasm than their female counterparts did.


“Fear and anxiety need to be avoided at all costs if a woman wishes to have an orgasm; we knew that, but now we can see it happening in the depths of the brain,” Holstege says. He went so far as to declare at the 2005 meeting of the European Society for Human Reproduction and Development: “At the moment of orgasm, women do not have any emotional feelings.”

Really, you can't be thinking of anything; fears, anxieties, your fat thighs, or anybody listening and probably at the moment that you are coming, you aren't making a sound. So shhhhh....

Ahhhh I love the Wood.

I am starting to think about wood. Size, sensitivity, hardness, age, refractory periods, holding back orgasm, spilling the seed, obesity, medications, all things related to wood. The amazing staff of life, (sorry bread, but woman cannot live on you alone) it's many shapes and sizes. The curves that scratch the insatiable itch.

Size: Does it matter? a big Yes is probably the most honest answer, but having a small dick doesn't inhibit orgasm for your partner. The size and quality of your self esteem has a bigger effect than your dick size. I have found that smaller dicks are more sensitive (see sensitivity below) -and they are easier to blow. Smaller dicks fit perfectly in your mouth and don't take hours to reach orgasm. They don't hurt your jaw muscles after hours of sucking. They still rub you raw after hours of fucking, and are far more comfortable when shoved up the asshole. So there, big cocked guys, the little masters of the less endowed enjoy pleasures you may never know.

Sensitivity: It stands to reason that smaller dicks are more sensitive. The same number of nerve endings, on average, because every human is different, are spread across the area space of the flesh of the cock. I knew a guy with a super huge dick -didn't know him in the biblical sense- that would complain to me how long it took him to come because he was not that sensitive. This sensitivity could also a bad thing for that smaller cocked man. If it takes the woman they are screwing a long time to come, and if their dick is very sensitive, perhaps they cannot hold out long enough, and might come before she does leading to some level of disappointment.

This leads us to...

Hardness: I have found that the more a man is physically active on a regular basis, following a physical practice that is demanding -yoga, martial arts, basketball, running, cycling, hockey, weight lifting- the harder his dick becomes. I think this can be attributed to the presence of male hormones that are activated by the stress placed on the body. Testosterone is being released in a timely, predictable manner. And I think these physical activities assist in maintaining circulation of the blood which in turn increases the amount of blood able to flow into the cock. Whatever the physical reason, there is nothing better than a hard cock no matter what size.

Age: Well, it happens to us all if we are lucky enough to live a long time. Age and the depletion of the production of hormones allows for a softer dick that may not experience orgasm every time it fucks. This is okay for the ladies, just an ironic role reversal. Now we want it every night, and our men are nervous and embarrassed about their ability to perform -will I get hard, will it stay, how will it feel, will I be able to do it again if I don't satisfy her the first time?

Wait a minute...we're about to address the...

Refractory period: is way, way longer now if you do get off. So, you won't be able to fuck again for a while if you do give into the big release. Age and hormones really affect this ability, this feeling that you could go again and again, the feeling that you thought would never leave, has now left with the glow of youth.

Holding Back Orgasm: This taoist practice is said to decrease the refractory period, increase the sensation of orgasm, steal the energy of the woman you are with and deliver her youth and vitality-her "jing"- to you (but only if she orgasms, of course, there is always a catch). This practice claims to build the energy that might otherwise be lost and contain it in the body and mind allowing a man to focus on complicated tasks or to reach levels of enlightenment that might not otherwise be possible in a human that is dissipating this orgasmic energy at every opportunity. Some can do this after much practice using the Kegel muscles to contract at the point of orgasm, some simply apply pressure to the "taint"at that special moment thus stopping the flow of juicy goo and absorbing that goodness again and again.

Spilling the seed: Nothing like a final release, right? Especially after a nice cheap massage. Premature ejaculation is another issue. You need a very patient woman and practice, practice, practice to build stamina and resistance to coming. Plus, during the training time -cue Rocky movie theme music, da na nah, da na naah- the premature quick-draw-McGraw must have other skills to rely on so that this mate is motivated to help him and not a frustrated mess. (see fingerblasting post and cunnilingus post for some tips)

Obesity: Lose 20 pounds, gain an inch of cock length, I've been told. I think this works for two reasons. First, an optical illusion; remove flab around your midsection and all of a sudden that inch that has been tucked away is exposed. Second, now that you are skinnier, you can shove yourself -even your whole body- closer to your lady without "carmichael-ing" her and give her a little more wood than your fatter alter ego could deliver. Thirdly, if you are losing weight, chances are you are exercising and eating right -see hardness entry above- increasing the amount of blood that can flow into the cock.

Medications: Ahh... the dreaded medically enforced erectile dysfunction. It's better than being dead, right? Listen guys, now is the time, and might I add it is never too late, to work on your fingerblasting techniques and cunnilingus expertise. Your cock will not always be there to rely on, you must diversify your assets to make yourself a good sexual investment. Your hands though, will always be hard, and your mouth will always be suckibly soft. A nice balance and two of the best substitutes for the beautiful contradic(k)tory soft-to-the-touch and hard-for-the-plunge dick. Then there is the other side of the medication coin. Instead of prescriptions that keep someone healthy but lead to a soft dick, the viagra pill, which I have no experience with yet but I am sure in the future I will know the power and benefits of this little magic pill, give the otherwise wood challenged a stiff knob. What fun! Is it? I've heard of marathon sessions, rubbed raw cocks and crotches, trips to the emergency room, hooker's charging by the hour...Does anyone have any anecdotes related to this experience they want to share?

Curves: When I was in college, my room mate's boyfriend's nickname was "J" for the way his dick turned when erect. This name was given to him by his friends, not his girlfriend. I often wondered, how did they know which way his erect dick meandered? Boys, do tell, do you catch a gander at all your friends wood? My room mate loved it. Especially, she said, when they did it "crosswise" you know, the position where she was laying on her back, and he on his side, so his dick rubbed her g spot perfectly. Or she'd spin perpendicular (no pun intended) on top to get the right angle, her shoulder and the side of her body facing his front. Some guys are lucky to have their dick curve up -making missionary a perfecto position- and some dicks curve down, making, you guessed it, doggie style the preferred position for ultimate vaginal stimulation. Have no fear, if your dick is straight and true, you are best fitted for all positions -anal too- you just have to work out a little extra aiming, moving your whole body to get at a certain zone. Just pick a position, point and go.

If you're looking for me, I'll be camping in the woods...