Monday, November 26, 2007

The Healing Power of a Juicy Twat

I recently spent some time with a cousin, John, a spiritual tattoo artist and piercer. His shop is called Dramatic Paws and is located in Cobleskill, NY. We got to talking and you know how it is with me, talk usually takes a turn to the nether regions and the activity located downtown. John was talking about genital piercings. That afternoon, I helped him hold a girl's nipples as he pierced them. A first for me.

John made an interesting observation over the considerable time that he has been performing this service. Men who get genitally pierced and are in monogamous sexual relationships with women heal faster, even those that begin to have sex before the recommended elapsed time for health. He really didn't know the reason but his theory was that the couples have bio-rhythmically synced immune activity from living in close proximity and somehow one helps the other heal. He came to this conclusion because this phenomena was not observed in recently pierced men who screwed the same number of times, with different women, therefore, he believed, dipping the stick in just anybody will not have the same benefits.

I think he has a point, but I was thinking about this long and hard and I believe there are more factors than propinquity at work in this observed situation.

Factor One: The vag has a bunch of healing properties in it's juices. Basically, it's made up of immunoglobins and fructose. That's right, every time those musicians wrote songs about your pussy and called it a sugar bowl, or a honeypot, or a sweet and juicy peach, (Sheena Easton even had a song about her sugarwalls, no?) they were right on. Secreted from the cervix and the vaginal walls are all these proteins and enzymes that help reduce inflammation, grow new cells, and speed the transport of sperm. There is viscous mucus that locks away bad sperm and even -scientists are studying this now-trap and isolate viruses. wow.

Factor Two: If a couple is in a long term relationship, at some point, the woman will be on the Pill and her man will stop wearing condoms. Does fooling the body into thinking it is pregnant change or even boost the chemistry of her cervical and vaginal fluid, her CVF? CVF is an actual term! Women collect their own CVF for scientific labs using some kind of straw and pipette! a pipette! so feminine.

Factor Three: A pregnant women's CVF is jam packed with "grow cell" goodness as some amniotic fluid is said to leak from the cervix and enter the vagina in addition to the fluids normally produced. Excuse me while I gag a little. I would expect it to heal a piercing faster if it can feed and grow a full human. Plus, nobody's wearing condoms if you're already knocked up! I mean, in a committed life long loving relationship.

Factor Four: I don't know about everybody, but if you are recently pierced and having sex with multiple partners you would usually wear a condom (i hope) thus putting a barrier between your hurting cock and those healing juices -even if the strange lady is on the Pill- also eliminating factor two's "fooled pregnancy" benefits (maybe she's still on it hoping for that next long term buddy, or to manage her monthly bloodbath, or in case that master lock through this dude's cock head tears open the free lifestyles she's been carrying around, at least she has a backup method, smart girl).

Factor Five: Saliva can help heal a wound. The journal of the American Dental Association says "Secretory leukocyte inhibitor, or SLPI can be found in fluids that bathe the mucosal surfaces such as saliva, bronchial fluids, and cervical fluids. It also has anti-inflammatory, anti-viral, anti-fungal, and anti-bacterial properties. In recent years, National Institute of Dental and Craniofacial Research investigators have demonstrated that SLPI found in saliva blocks HIV-1 infection." Steady girlfriends usually suck dick, too.


Factor Six: The single straight men I know usually develop cleaner hygiene habits when living with or having regular sex with a woman. They might be taking better care of their freshly stabbed genitals. They shower and wash because she won't suck fetid balls. She's got self esteem, people! And, as it turns out, super powerful cunt-a-lishousness.

Don't try to heal your lovers herpes, and please don't shove a kitchen-knife-cut finger into your love canal and expect spontaneous ET like results. You're not a superhero, but you are amazing.

I invite your comments and I am available for private consultation.

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